Infertility is a tricky little thing.
It’s a word I never imagined I would be using in my family planning vocabulary.
Some would think that infertility isn’t something I deal with because I have three healthy babies. (Myself included)
And with that being said, honestly I do feel guilty even associating myself with that ugly word.
I feel guilty because of the millions of women that struggle with infertility and can’t become pregnant with their own children at all.
The ones that have been trying for years and years with no luck, or the countless miscarriages they have gone through.
The hundreds and thousands of dollars they’ve spent on pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, and other infertility treatments just for one baby.
I feel for you women, I hurt for you women, and I cry for you women.
I’ve been in denial for so long and never use the word for myself.
I have finally accepted and am trying to cope with the truth of my reality that I struggle with infertility.
It sounds a bit selfish coming from a mother of three but it is my reality.
It may not be every moment that I have the gut wrenching sadness from the miscarriages but it’s there.
I deal with the monthly disappointment of not getting a positive test and then when I think that MAYBE I really am pregnant this time soon after that exciting thought, I feel scared.
I’m scared that it’s just going to happen all over again.
Then I start questioning myself asking what would I do if it happened again??
Would I want to tell anyone we’re pregnant this time if we are??
Will it be healthy??
Am I the problem??
Can I physically and emotionally handle another miscarriage??
SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
When we were going through our losses it was hard for me to process.
I was devastated when we got the news every time at the doctor but it seemed like as soon as I stepped out of that office it wasn’t real.
Even with all the blood and cramping it wasn’t real to me.
I don’t think I ever really mentally dealt with it myself.
As the months have went by and here we are 5 months after my last miscarriage and the last time we saw that tiny heartbeat on the monitor, I can’t help but think about so many things.
Like, when we go to a family event and I watch our children hold and love on their 12 week old baby cousin, I can’t help but imagine how much they would of loved their 12 week old baby so much.
And how our baby would be the same age as their baby cousin is right now.
Or when I went to my best friends baby shower over the weekend I was also reminded that I should also be almost 8 months pregnant with her and we could have matching baby bumps.
I am so happy for these new babies and all to come with pregnancy all around me I just get hit every now and then with a tinge of sadness when I remember my babies and what they would be today.
What would those babies be like?
Would they have been a girl or a boy?
Would they of looked just like my others or would they be the first redhead of my babies?
So many thoughts linger through my head daily.
I’m finally going to allow myself to use this word infertility for myself.
I’m not going to feel guilty using it anymore because I miss my babies.
I miss feeling safe once I got the positive pregnancy test because I will never feel that safety again.
I went from it being hard for me to conceive to being able to conceive then loose the babies before I could meet them.
It absolutely terrifies me to think of going through it all over again, but I know in my heart we are meant to have another baby to love.
Not sure what that will look like or if I will be able to carry our baby but we will have one when the time comes.
After hundreds of negative pregnancy tests, one chemical pregnancy, and two miscarriages I am being honest and sharing my heart that I deal with infertility as a mother of three and its okay that I admit that.
For a look at our whole journey through pregnancy loss the links are below: